Thursday, September 4, 2008

i am afraid.

i've been thinking about this lately. a lot, actually. and while it's not horribly diy a way, it is.

i'm afraid. of mostly everything. here's a great for instance - i've now been sick all week. minimal fever, but nasty gut pains, like i'm loaded with hot rocks. nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, the...uh...back door trots. no appetite. and this makes me afraid. i am rarely sick. i have no control over it. i'm also afraid of thunderstorms. yes, thunderstorms. specifically, those with high winds, or the threat of *gasp* tornadoes. i'm afraid of airplanes. car crashes. fire. burglars. the list goes on and on and on. i really am afraid of damn near everything. it would be easy to reach for a bottle of xanax every time i was afraid of something, but i won't let myself do it. i haven't in yeaaaars. because i know when the fog lifts...i'll still be afraid.

these are all things i can't control. you know what else i'm afraid of? people. i recognized at least one person at the UpS conference, but said nothing...because i was afraid. i've got an amazing opportunity to drive across the state and learn food preservation skills from a woman who's been doing it for years at a pretty good price...and i'm afraid. what if i have to drive in the rain all the way there? what if i hit another deer? same goes for herb classes that are an hour away from me. what if i commit and then we have nasty weather? what if i have to drive in the country in the dark? what if other people see i'm afraid?

i have another opportunity to go to a couple day retreat in the woods of pennsylvania to learn about scouting, and to learn more about myself. this opportunity is given by an amazing teacher who i've communicated with for over a year now...did a weekend bootcamp with him last summer and it changed my life. he doesn't teach you how to do...anything. but you get to try on different modes of being and it stretches your perception. and guess what? i'm afraid. afraid to ask wes if i can have the money, because it is A LOT of money. it doesn't fit in with our plan which is to throw any money we can toward our debt. wes's car is dying, and we'll soon be a one car family. i'm also afraid to go be in the woods for a couple of days with strangers.

of course, i'm not afraid to make mistakes. and i love owning up to them. i don't mind playing the fool and letting people laugh at my failures. (but i am, on the other hand, afraid of a pressure canner blowing up in my face.) so, i'm putting it out there for all to see - i'm freaking afraid!! one of my teachers rags on me - why do you smile and laugh when you're in pain? because i do. and it's hard for me not to laugh at myself right now, but i know that i would just be covering up the fact that it pains me that i'm afraid.

there was more i wanted to say, but i'm on a conference call that promises to be amazing.

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